Old Touch

 

It has been quiet around here. I've had a couple of pretty tough weeks. My computer screen broke down (must have stepped on it in some kind of way), I got attacked by a man as I walked home from work one evening (which have left me with serious panic attacks every time I work a late shift, I'm always wearing my sneakers so that I can run home from the bus during those days). I'm working like an iditot as well, six or seven days a week.

 

I feeel bad about giving up on my university courses due to lack of time. I thought that the last essay I was about to write for my bachelor's degree was so, so good. I worked for weeks with the research, and got a feeling of ecstasy as I realized that no one had studied the subject as deeply as I intended. It seemed spot-on! Now, I won't even write it. I'm so awfully disappointed with myself.

I read through my diary and the last year's New Year's resolutions. I had promised to finish a novel, but I haven't even started on it. I made the same promise this year, and well, it looks like i've saved it for yet another year.
 
It is so tragic to be so terribly disappointed at yourself. To feel like you can do something, but you just don't. I suppose I could have written my essay during my free evenings, or write on the novel, or paint an oil painting, or whatever! Instead, I spend the tragic hours stepping on my computer screen and accidentally take both of the keys to the apartment so that my partner gets locked inside all day.

This whole way of life is such a waste of time. It's like I, or we, are waiting for something to happen that will give us a chance to really use our creativity, and we keep telling ourselves that the time now is only pastime we're playing with until it's actually happeing. It won't. I'll turn twenty-three this year, and I'm bloody tired of waiting.
 
I need to do something. Now!

I need some motivation. Hit me with your encouraging words!